Hi. My name is Shavuos. Some people call me Shavuot. Many have never heard of me at all. I'm a pretty quiet holiday, so this outrageous letter is really not my style. But honestly, things have just gone too far.
Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm a REAL holiday. A Biblical one. I don't like to flaunt my pedigree, but people just have to know these things. Like, the type of holiday you don't drive on. You make kiddush on. Y'know?
Chanukah, I mean, we can be friends and all. I like you. Your latkes rock and you sure know how to throw a party. Your theme is beautiful and your prayers amazingly contemporary and relevant. You're a lot of fun and we actually have a lot in common. Dairy foods and all. But in some ways, we are so opposite. I'm a summer kind of thing and you're a winter kind of thing. I'm really short and you're... not. Is that any reason to show off?
If anyone should be in the middle of the mall (which we shouldn't) it should be us. The threesome. The Three Major Holidays. No, I'm not trying to show off, but you seem to have forgotten your place. Me, Pesach (Passover) and Sukkot. Yep, it's always been the three of us - no offense.
So why don't you get out of the mall and do your job: fighting Jewish ignorance and apathy, and introducing people to us? It would suit you well. Oh, and by the way? Figure out how to spell your name, because it's becoming awfully confusing.
Looking forward to seeing you soon,
the forgotten holiday