Religious Extremism and Me

I was supposed to be on break till 2012, but I've pulled myself out of retirement to deal with something that's been, quite literally, keeping me up at night and distracting me from everything I've been trying to concentrate on today.

Religious extremism in Bet Shemesh.

Normally, I don't discuss bad stuff that goes on among Jews, both for lashon hara (gossip) concerns and because it's just not my way.  I'm an "a little bit of light dispels much of the darkness" kind of girl, and I try to go about my life attempting to shine bits of light upon my world, the world of my children, that of my friends and loved ones, my community in real life, and on this blog.  And hopefully, in the larger universe as well.

But when the Bet Shemesh insanity hit international news, I knew that I had to address this issue for a positive, constructive purpose.

Allow me to go on record saying that as a Torah-observant Jew, one that some might call ultra-Orthodox (dubbed chareidi, or haredi), I am disgusted, horrified, sickened, traumatized and embarrassed by the behaviors of the thugs in Israel who are not only acting completely contrary to Torah values, but disgracing its name publicly.

---

My little boy is four years old.  In preschool, he has a sweet little program called "Social Skills."  He brought home a little pictorial overview of what he learned in Social Skills.

"Two rules, Mommy."  Eyes huge.  "Nice face and nice voice."

How wise we are, at four.

In discussing the issue with my 11-year-old son, he was aghast that anyone could actually believe such actions are Torah-true.  "Ma," he declared, "they're doing the opposite of you.  You're trying to help people see that Torah is beautiful, and they're making everyone hate it."

True, that.

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A Facebook friend-of-a-friend made the following pithy observation:

But here is the catch - let's not worship the same god as they [the thugs] are. Don't get angry with them, have pity and compassion on them. And hope and pray that these people who are also our brothers and sisters are able to come back to sanity and balance and Truth before they do any more damage to themselves or others or before The Universe has to knock them back in to line by force.

Want to practically make a difference? All our people have one soul. Go work on your own ego issues for one week. Watch where you hurt others in your life with actions or words from this unhealthy place. Change yourself, take responsibility for yourself especially for blaming it on the ubiquitous "them," as if we are clean of these very challenges ourselves. And I have no doubt that in the merit of this and this only, we can turn these people and all of the Jews and all of the world back to good and G-d, speedily in our days. Amen.

An ultra-Orthodox rabbi, Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz of Monsey, NY put out a public statement denouncing these awful behaviors, as did the Chassidic Belzer Rebbe and the Agudath Israel of America.  This is all good.

A family friend living in Israel emailed the following:

Twelve years ago when we lived here, I learned [studied Torah] with Reb Noach Weinberg [of Aish Hatorah] in his office. He took me out on his mirpeset [balcony] where, looking down at the Kotel Plaza, we saw two groups of protestors.  A Conservative group demanding women’s rights at the Kotel.  The other, a Chasidishe [Chassidic] group yelling and fighting.  Reb Noach, z”l [of blessed memory], turned to me and asked: What’s your take on this?

I was giving a pilpul [Talmudic-style dialectic] on the pros and cons of each group’s actions. He interrupted by saying… "Do you know what I DON'T see? I DON’T see a tear! Not a sigh. Just fighting for the rights of zealotry."

 ----

Around the corner from me lives a family that looks, on the outside, very similar to the thugs.  Fur hats, curly peyos (sidelocks), Chassidic garb.  This family takes my breath away with its love for all Jews.  All Jews, of all stripes, backgrounds, and degrees of socio-economic success, are literally welcomed into their home with a huge smile and a hug.

Yeah, a bear hug.

This past week I was driving carpool and my neighbor's son had missed the bus.  I took him home, only to find that no one was in at his house.  He assured me that he was supposed to go to this Chassidic family down the block if his parents weren't home, to be "babysitted."

Upon corroborating this interesting tidbit, I dropped him off at the love-for-all-Jews abode and watched carefully as he entered the home as one would his own: without knocking and without preamble.  To say that this family puts my unconditional love for my fellow Jew, and my hospitality, to shame, is an embarrassing understatement.  This is a family of role models.  This is the ultra-Orthodoxy I am honored and proud to be associated with.  It would be seriously incorrect to say that "their home is open to everyone" - it simply belongs to everyone.

Can I say the same about myself?

----

Where does all this leave me?  Insomniatic, distracted, disturbed.  I've written my letters to the New York Times and Israeli press.  I've sent a Facebook message to the mother of one of the victims, expressing my solidarity and disgust.  I've wondered about the perps: who are they really?  Who are their mothers, wives, sisters, and children?  Do they sleep well at night?  I've worked through my emotions, trying not to hate the haters.  I've searched my heart to examine if any traces of the personality defects of the thugs, such as ego and anger, need to be worked on in myself.

I am encouraged by those who recognize not to torch all Chareidim (ultra-Orthodox) by the fire of these thugs.  Their moderate responses are incredibly heartwarming.  I am warmed by my community here in Cleveland, where so many different types live near one another with respect.  I pray that this post be a step towards the solution.

And in my prayers this morning, I had extra passion during the prayer for peace.

Oseh shalom b'mromav, hu yaaseh shalom aleinu, v'al kol Yisrael, v'imru... Amen.
May He who creates peace in the heavenly spheres, create peace upon us, and upon all of Israel... may it, indeed, be so.

Nazi Nightmares

A couple of nights ago I had another Nazi dream.

I'm in the Warsaw ghetto with my family, and need money to buy food.  I try to get to the ATM machine (??) but it's barricaded by guards.  I manage to get my card in, but as soon as the $60 comes out, they grab it and run away.

But the scary part of the dream is part 2.  I'm in the barracks with my children, and I know that They are coming to get me for defying them at the ATM.  I wonder if I will die by bullet, or if there will be pain first.  I pray for a quick death.  I wonder if my children will persevere without me.  And then I wake up.

I've been having Nazi dreams in various forms since fourth grade, but they intensified after watching "The Wave."

Do all Jews have Nazi dreams?  Do you?

What's Up With Orthodox Jews and Slurpees?

I don't know where you live, but here in Cleveland, there is a Speedway 5 minutes from my home, right in the heart of the Orthodox community.  It's open 24 hours, and you will always see Orthodox Jews coming in and out, buying Slurpees.

Why??

Well. You need to understand a few somethings.

• When you keep kosher, there are very few fun foods you can buy for a buck.
• There are also very few stores you can buy fun food at that are open 24 hours.
• The fact that Slurpees are kosher is very exciting - us kosher folks are ALWAYS scouting for "what's kosher?" at Costco, Target, or the local grocery.
• When you have kids (as most Orthodox Jews do, for a lot of child-rearing years), a Slurpee is a great easy incentive that all kids love. 
• When you're a teacher of Torah or a parent of a Torah-observant home, you are always seeking to motivate your kids to learn Torah/do mitzvot; hence easy, cheap incentives are always being sought.

Note: the frightfully blue tooth color actually does fade with time.

Class of '92

Okay, I lied. I'm almost ready to break.
I'm blogging over at the Beltway Buzz today: check it out!

Blogging Break! See ya next year!

Hey to all my wonderful readers,

I'll be breaking for Chanukah and all... See you in 2012!  Thanks for sticking with me and for helping me bring Jews of all stripes together with mutual understanding and respect.

Happy Chanukah :)

Ruchi

The Formerly Orthodox: A Reader's Response

In response to yesterday's post about not judging those that have left Orthodoxy, a regular reader of mine emailed me this thoughtful response:

 

Ruchi, I truly enjoy your postings and I believe that your posting on the formerly Orthodox is poignant in light of Chanukah (pun intended). 

 

I know more than one formerly Orthodox person who holds his upbringing as responsible for his outcome - that is, not being Orthodox today. But and yet, these formerly Orthodox people that I know still want (I would say even cling to) certain aspects of Judaism that they cannot disengage from: any invite to a Shabbat dinner they accept; lighting Chanukah candles and saying their prayers, absolutely; hearing the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, yes; putting on a kippah when going to a kosher restaurant with friends. 

 

I could go on and on, but suffice to say, I think we all cling to tradition - Orthodox or not, just sometimes it's fraught with anxiety and other times, it's very connected to prayer, spirituality, and/or acceptance in a community. 

 

I think that goes for all Jews, not just formers or currents [formerly or currently Orthodox]. How often do the prayers we say slip away and we're just saying it by rote? As someone who became more observant over time, I can easily imagine how easy it would be to slip and fall. 

 

I am lucky that I had an education that provided me with various alternatives to practice within Judaism and the strength to practice as a now Orthodox woman, who has very strong ties to my upbringing (my ideology/philosophy on Judaism really reflects my upbringing yet is mixed with the changes I have experienced over time). This, and what I think is the most important (for me) was the ability to engage with Judaism as an intellectual - it's not just about doing, it's about doing with the knowledge of what I am doing with an awareness of where it has come from.

 

We as a Jewish community need to provide, maintain and sustain a support system for both Orthodox, non-Orthodox and formerly Orthodox peoples to feel comfortable/confident as Jews and to be united in the miracle that we begin celebrating at sundown tonight - that we are strong when united and that Jewish practice cannot be taken away. 

 

Like what the other posters have said, lighting tonight reminds us, as it should everyone, that no matter how we practice we (all Jews) are a nation that are a light to the other nations - what any of us does reflects/refracts back to everyone else. 

 

Thank you Ruchi and Chag Chanukah Samaech [happy Chanukah] to you, your family and all your readers!

What do you say, readers?  Agree?  Disagree?  Ideas?  Is anything special being done in your community to provide that support system?

Happy Chanukah and thanks to all of you that are participating in these important conversations about Judaism!

Please Don't Judge Me For Not Being Orthodox Anymore

Two weeks ago, I published a post entitled: The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox Person Knew.  It went viral (well, for me) and hit 2000 views in 5 days - which totally took me by surprise!

One of the points I made was that Orthodox people should know that there is no insularity or privacy anymore, and that sometimes people who used to be Orthodox will post negative experiences that they have had, as will journalists, bloggers, etc. - that nothing we do is private, and that one should have a healthy respect and awareness for this phenomenon.

Ususally, when I receive an Anonymous comment, I get a pit in my stomach as I open the email, because Anonymous comments on a blog like this are often trolls/angry people/negative commenters.

Yet, this one was not, and here's what Anonymous said:

"This is one of your best posts.

Also, Ruchi, when you think critically of us "angry former Ortho-folk" try to imagine how you might have ended up not only without the benefit of the three influences you listed, but with all the drawbacks of the opposite influences.

It's wonderful to imagine that you would have come out unscathed, that you would never look like us, but we all imagined that kind of stuff until we got here too :)"

See my reply there, in the comments section, where I promised Anonymous a response.


And here it is.


Dear Anonymous,

Firstly, thank you for your kind words.  I always appreciate positive feedback about this forum.  I spend a lot of time obsessing about this blog ad nauseum thinking about this blog, so the idea that others are benefiting is absolutely what keeps it going.

Secondly, while I am not thinking critically of AFOF (angry former Ortho-folk), I AM thinking critically of those who believe that it is their right or mandate to publicly spread negative information about any other group of humankind.

I just read an article this week about a former skinhead, Tom Leyden, who now works with the Simon Weisenthal Center. He decries Jews who blast other kinds of Jews online, saying "neo-Nazis don't care what kind of Jew you are" - and points out that bigots and supremacists use just such sites to collect ammo against Jews.  Chilling: a skinhead has to remind us not to blast negativity about one another online.

That said, I turn to the end of your comment: that my experience was blessed, even charmed; that minus my charmed upbringing, there but for the grace of God go I.

True.

I speak often of judging, and I believe that humans can't be judged, but actions and philosophies must be judged.  I look at you, Anonymous, as a whole person.  I don't know if you are one of those folks who spreads bad stuff online.  If you are, I fully disapprove of the practice.  It is one of the awful-est things out there.  But in any event, I know I cannot judge you.  I can't judge your pain; can't judge your decision to leave Orthodoxy (and maybe subsequently re-embrace it, your own way?); can't judge any experience that you had or temptation that you endured or agony that you lived through or disillusionment that you suffered.  Because any way you slice it, it's rarely about walking away from Orthodoxy to eat a cheeseburger.  The journey is fraught with pain, disappointment and estrangement.

I think.  What do I know?

What I DO want the world to know, and is a huge reason I started this blog, is that there are many, many Orthodox Jews who are happily living the life; who had positive experiences growing up and positive experiences with their parents; who are wonderful human beings; who love God and are in healthy marriages and are raising well-adjusted kids; who try to do good things and acts of kindness and pray for others.  They don't make a lot of noise, and the world may be oblivious to them, but I'd like that to end.  I'd like for the world to sit up and take notice.

And, Anonymous, I don't know if this will make you feel loved or annoyed, but they are praying for your well-being too...

As this post touches on sensitive issues, I'd like to remind my readers that comments that are angry, snide or negative will not be published.

Distractions: Updated

I don’t usually “mommy-blog,” nor is this post “Orthodox” or even “Jewish.”  But: so what?

I’ve always been a voracious reader, since early childhood – getting out books by the dozen at the library, then losing myself for hours.

Now I’m a mother and have precious little time for such a luxury.  I’ve also become much more selective about what I read.  But I’ve discovered something else about myself: every now and then I still need to escape the household treadmill.  And I get bored of said treadmill very easily.

When my big kids were small, my escape involved talking to friends and family on the phone or snatching a quick read while the kiddies were playing.

Now, it’s Facebook, texting, or reading a really interesting article or blog comment on my phone.

For some reason, the latter makes me feel a lot worse than the former.  Why?

Same or different?  What do you say?

The Beauty of Basherte

“You’re not going to make it tonight?  OH!  We’ll miss you.  Okay, don’t worry.  Everything is basherte.”

“I can’t believe I’m going to miss your wedding!  My son just woke up with strep and there’s no way I can leave town!  What should I do – everything is basherte.”

“What??  The freezer just died, full of food!  Well.  Everything is basherte.”

Basherte:

pre-destined; meant to be.  Usually used in reference to a soul-mate, as in marriage, but also used to reference the Hand of Providence, whether for the good or bad, that shapes every event in our lives.  Some Jews prefer to call it karma...

Here’s the beauty of basherte.  When it’s your reality, it simply has the power to take the wind of disappointment, regret, blame and anger right out of your sails.  When it’s the reality of others in your life, it takes those emotions right out of their sails.

Caution:

1.       It takes practice.

2.       You can’t be a control freak or a micro-manager and expect this to be easy.

3.       You can’t make a dumb mistake and blame the results on God.

People usually use the term “basherte” to describe a wonderful, serendipitous event, where the Hand of God stirred the pot and everything tasted wonderful upon completion.  That’s beautiful too.  

But the real power of basherte is when you apply it to the negative things that occur to you.

I am anticipating the question of why bad things happen to good people.  While that is a valid question, I deal with it mainly in person only.  I intend here to address the instances referenced above: the inevitable and mundane disappointments of daily lives.

Have you ever experienced, in hindsight, the beauty of basherte?  Seeing the Providence in what seemed like a disappointment or negative occurrence?

My Jewish Apps

What's on my phone right now?  I always love the coolness of combining technology with religiosity.  So fun.  So I decided to share with y'all which Jewish apps are currently hanging out on my phone:

1. Zmanim

This literally means "times."  In Judaism, the exact minute of sunrise and sunset are very important, as well as many points in between (like their midpoint).  Why?  There are certain times of day designated for certain prayers.  When Shabbat and holidays start and end.  When ANY day starts and ends.  Like if you need to figure out which is the 8th day for a bris.  So this app detects your location and offers you all the important times:  sunrise, till when you can do the morning prayers, midday, the earliest time you can do the afternoon prayers, sunset, nightfall, and mid-night (not to be confused with 12:00 am).

You can also change the date or location, like if you want to know when Shabbat will begin in four months (like for people who plan Shabbatons, ahem) or if you'll be traveling and want to know if you can still catch a minyan at your destination.

2. Siddur

This is a prayerbook app.  The free one is Hebrew only (yup, that's what I've got - I'm cheap, but for a small fee you can download one with English) and has bookmarks for the morning blessings, the Shema, the Amidah, the afternoon prayers (mincha), the evening prayers (maariv), "bentching" - Grace After Meals, the travelers' prayer, and more.  It's perfect for when I'm on the go, but, like many anti-Kindle peeps, I feel it's just not the same.  Also quite distracting when an email or call comes in while I'm supposed to be concentrating on the Lord.  But there's a concept in Judaism of looking at the words while you pray - even if you know it by heart.  Or maybe especially if you do.  Because it helps you concentrate, while you might be tempted to rattle it off by rote.  So this is great in a pinch.

3. Tehillim

This is the Book of Psalms.  Yeah, in an app.  Oxymoron?  Nah.  Jewish tradition has us turning to this book to pray for assistance or gratitude in any circumstance.  I confess, I've never used it.  I always revert to whispering the ones I know by heart.  But it's very cool and has fun bookmarks.  Also, it makes me feel good just by being on my phone.

4. Calendar converter

This is a totally fun app that gives you the Hebrew dates for English and vice versa.  Very handy for choosing bar and bat mitzvah dates for our Sunday school kids. 

5. Google calendar: Jewish holidays

This isn't really an app, but did you know you could download the Jewish calendar into your google calendar?  Then all the Jewish holidays appear instantly, including Rosh Chodesh (first day of  the new Jewish month), and, if you'd like, the various Torah portions each week.  You can even choose your dialect for Hebrew (like Shabbos or Shabbat).  Very useful for making sure you don't schedule an event on the first night of Passover or something like that.

6.  Avot

This is all six chapters of Pirkei Avot - the Ethics of the Fathers.  I'm teaching it in a class, and it's perfect for checking quickly what we're up to or reviewing before class.

7. Kol Halashon

Just downloaded this last week and I've already used it a bunch of times.  It's for the more experienced learner, and basically it takes what is already a telephone learning service and offers it in app form.  It's an extensive and organized collection of Torah lectures by today's most popular lecturers.  You can choose parsha, mishna, Talmud, Jewish law, character improvement.  You can choose Hebrew, English, Yiddish and other languages.  I've bookmarked my four favorite lecturers.  You can either download the lectures or just play them, so it's great for travel.  Eats up quite a bit of memory, but for me, totally worth it.

Which Jewish apps are hanging out on your phone?

Non Encounter at a Bris

The Scene:  Bris of Greenstein Family.  Orthodox synagogue.

In attendance: the Greenstein's Orthodox friends, non-Orthodox friends and relatives of both persuasions.

The service is about to begin.  Friends and relatives file in to the main lobby.

Enter stage left - Karla Greenstein, a first cousin of Melinda (the baby's mom).  Karla is a 37-year-old mom and reading intervention specialist.  She is excited to be at the simcha, but insecure in her choice of outfit and quite intimidated about entering an Orthodox synagogue (for the first time).

Enter stage right - Chava Leah Kohn, 31 years old, mom, reading intervention specialist, and friend of Melinda's. Orthodox born and bred, Chava Leah has had limited interactions with non-Orthodox Jews and is nervous about what to say if someone will ask her a question about Orthodoxy that she can't answer.

Karla sees Chava Leah across the room.

Karla's stream of consciousness:

omg i'm wearing the wrong thing i knew i would be wearing the wrong thing.  i wore a dress, but no one said it had to be BLACK and SO LONG obviously the leggings aren't quite the new skirt just yet oy why is she looking at me like that where do i stand?  are men and women supposed to be separate or something oh no look those orthodox are all mingling and socializing ok i guess its ok.  phew.  should i ask that woman where to go she's obviously in the know oh no i would look too stupid what if i say something to offend her oh this is very stressful i gotta find somewhere to put this gift where's the table for gifts oh there's melinda lemme go say hi

Chava Leah sees Karla across the room. 


Chava Leah's stream of consciousness:

oh that woman looks a little lost and confused i should really go over to her and ask her if she needs help no that would look stupid who am i to be like the hall monitor no can't do that but don't want to leave her hanging either so nice how she's wearing a dress to be respectful wow i should really go introduce myself and be a mensch no i'm much too shy what will i say what if she asks me something and i don't know how to answer i'll feel like such a fool she's so cute her outfit's really cute i wonder if i look so out of style in my clothes does she think i'm like totally out of date come on just go over and say hi what's the big deal no i can't it's too weird oh she's leaving oh there's melinda

Chava Leah approaches Melinda just as Karla leaves.

They exchange brief smiles.

Karla exits stage right.

Chava Leah exits stage left.


Curtains.

Poll: Anti-semitism and intra-anti-semitism

Which of the following do you feel is the biggest problem:

1. Hatred of non-Jews toward Jews
2. Hatred of Jews toward other kinds of Jews
3. Hatred within the Orthodox community?

As always, comments containing specific negative information, even true, about ANY group of people, or snide remarks, will not be published.

Fishplating

Once upon a time, there was a shul Kiddush.  And at this shul Kiddush were both Orthodox Jews and non-Orthodox Jews.  Included on the Kiddush buffet were gefilte fish, cholent, salads, crackers and dips.  Yes, it was a very wonderful Kiddush.

Some of the Jews at the Kiddush had learned of the custom not to eat fish and meat together.  Others had not.  The wise Rabbi had not taught it, since it was a custom, and many people at the shul were driving to shul on Shabbos and eating cheeseburgers and other more obvious non-Orthodox habits of the sort.  Therefore, he was very selective about which points of Jewish law he chose to share, so as not to overburden or embarrass his constituents.

One of these Jews, unschooled in the meaning of kosher altogether, took his fishy plate and proceeded to load up on delicious, steaming cholent.  Another Jew, aware of the issue, but not quite as sensitive as the Rabbi, and with truly sincere and good intentions, maybe, honed in on said Jew and proceeded to inform him that he must use a new plate for the cholent, as the original plate was fishy and therefore violated the fish/meat combo custom.

The wise Rabbi, observing the debacle from afar, shook his head in dismay.

And thus was the term “fishplating” born.

Dear Chanukah: I'm Offended

Dear Chanukah,

Hi.  My name is Shavuos.  Some people call me Shavuot.  Many have never heard of me at all.  I'm a pretty quiet holiday, so this outrageous letter is really not my style.  But honestly, things have just gone too far.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm a REAL holiday.  A Biblical one.  I don't like to flaunt my pedigree, but people just have to know these things.  Like, the type of holiday you don't drive on.  You make kiddush on.  Y'know?

Chanukah, I mean, we can be friends and all.  I like you.  Your latkes rock and you sure know how to throw a party.  Your theme is beautiful and your prayers amazingly contemporary and relevant.  You're a lot of fun and we actually have a lot in common.  Dairy foods and all.  But in some ways, we are so opposite.  I'm a summer kind of thing and you're a winter kind of thing.  I'm really short and you're... not.  Is that any reason to show off?

I'm not really sure why you need to hang out in the middle of the mall decorated with gifts, starting from like November.  Really??  I think you've been hanging out with Christmas a little too much.  Not that you asked, but you guys have nothing in common!  Why are you always trying to upstage him?  I know you share a birthday (sometimes).  You're not even related.  Your themes are different, your customs are different.  Lose the gifts, okay?  It's so not you.  You've always been a gelt kind of guy.  That means money - cash.  When did you become such a follower?

If anyone should be in the middle of the mall (which we shouldn't) it should be us.  The threesome.  The Three Major Holidays.  No, I'm not trying to show off, but you seem to have forgotten your place.  Me, Pesach (Passover) and Sukkot.  Yep, it's always been the three of us - no offense.

So why don't you get out of the mall and do your job: fighting Jewish ignorance and apathy, and introducing people to us?  It would suit you well.  Oh, and by the way?  Figure out how to spell your name, because it's becoming awfully confusing.

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Shavuos
the forgotten holiday

The 5 Things I Wish All Orthodox People Knew

I was taken aback that my post on The Danger of Being Orthodox has, in two weeks, quickly climbed to being my third most widely read post since I began my blog back in July.  I'm not quite sure why that is, but the phenomenon, and its follow-up conversation that it engendered, What I'm Thinking When the Orthodox Make Headlines, have really got me thinking.  And I've decided to address this, then, to my fellow Orthodox men and women - of all stripes.

Hi guys.

So we're all in this Ortho-boat together.  We have a lot in common.  And we also have our differences.  Sometimes enormous differences.  In fact, one could argue that the Jewish relationship to the world in general may parallel the relationship of the Orthodox to the Jewish community in general.  Another post for another day.  In any event, my specialty is public relations.  So communication is a must.  Here's what you may already know.  Or maybe you know it but forget sometimes. Or maybe you have no idea.  I'd love to know which it is.  Ready?  Let's go, in no particular order (but regular readers already knew that).

1. You are public.
You may be totally wired to the internet, or shun technology entirely (I personally have family members in both categories).  Either way, it is terribly important for you to know that, perhaps completely unbeknownst to you, your actions, decisions, insular school systems and social habits are being noted, observed and recorded.  Either by impartial journalists, judgmental bloggers, angry former Ortho-folk, or anyone.  Please don't assume that anything you do is ever private.  Because it's not.

2. Be a mensch.
Because you are Orthodox, people think you think you are better than others. You may truly think that, or you may not.  I don't know.  But the best mitzvah/custom/spiritual rite you can perform is called "being a mensch."  I did not make this up.  It's all over our liturgy.  Also, everyone is looking for it.  "Those Orthodox... what good is it to keep kosher if you're going to be rude on the airplane??"  When you keep the ritual stuff and aren't a mensch, you make the ritual stuff look bad.  When you keep the ritual stuff and ARE a mensch, you make the ritual stuff look good.  It's never been divisible, and now least of all.

3. Be proud of who you are.
Not proud as in arrogant or superior.  Proud as in take pleasure and joy in your different-ness.  There's no need to be "just like everyone else."  People truly respect those who live by their principles (as long as you're a mensch...see #2).  Have a lot of kids?  Wear only skirts?  Need to do your praying?  Do it with joy, and unapologetically!  You do both yourself and your religion a disservice when you try to under-represent what you are.  It's so awesomely cool to be Orthodox - and if you don't feel that it is, that's something to think about.  I have seen with my own eyes that proudly observant Jews garner respect (as long as you're a mensch...see #2).

4. Keep learning.
Being brought up Ortho is not the end of the story.  You need a community, support, inspiration, and sources.  If you aren't learning, you aren't growing, and if you aren't growing, you're stagnating.  You don't "arrive" till you reach the pearly gates - the journey keeps going.

5. Ask yourself if God is in your life.
This may sound ridiculously superfluous, but it's not.  I've stated a number of times on this blog that being Orthodox does not equal having a relationship with God - and many times the folly of #2 lies precisely in this very area.  Do you talk to Him?  Do you ever ask yourself if He's proud of you?  Do you feel His presence in good times and bad?  Do you think He loves you?  Do you love Him?  If it's been awhile (or never) since these questions have been thought about, or better yet, talked about, there's a problem.  You may be Orthodox, but what about being Jewish?

PS As a disclaimer, because I know the above can sound kind of preachy, I'd like to acknowledge the obvious.  I am a regular girl, far from perfect.  I am hyper-cognizant of the above, not because I am a superior specimen of Orthodoxy, but simply for three reasons:

One, I am married to an incredible human being, who is my teacher in so many things, and especially the above five.  And mostly, in the hugely important #2.  For that, I will forever be humbled and grateful.

Two, my experience in Jewish education and Jewish unity over the past 13 years have taught me a thing or two.  I've tried to learn from my own mistakes and from those of others.

And three, my parents, my siblings, my upbringing, and my schooling have given me such awareness in all of the above.  There is not enough gratitude in the world for the priceless gifts they have given me.

And finally, I'd love to hear from you.  What are your thoughts of the five?  What might your list look like?