Poll: When I See an Orthodox Person, I Feel _____

Finish this sentence:

When I see an Orthodox person, whether in real life or in the media, I immediately feel:

1. Defensive

2. Like family

3. Judged

4. Judgmental

5. Curious

6. Respectful

7. Embarrassed

8. Admiring

9. Irritated

10. Like proving I am Jewish too

(feel free to choose more than one response)

Infomercial: Livnot U'Lehibanot

Israel.  It's on my mind a lot, especially as the Jewish calendar nudges ever so steadily toward Tisha B'av: the national day of mourning for the Holy Temple in Jerusalem.

There are many ways to go to Israel, and here's Laurie to tell you all about one of them:

Unique Tzfat Israel Experience Program for Twenty-somethings:

The “Livnot U’Lehibanot” – To Build and Be Built – Israel Experience Program has been offering experiential programs of hiking and volunteering for young Jewish adults since 1980. The programs provide a forum for participants to explore Israel through trekking, service, archaeological excavations and experiential seminars. Livnot programs are located in northern Israel and allow participants to become a part of the “real Israel” by interacting with local residents through volunteer activities and workshops. The Livnot programs are offered as one-week post-Birthright extensions as well as four-week Israel Experience program alternatives. Each Livnot program involves intensive encounters with Israelis, their day-to-day lives, the Land of Israel and Judaism. 

Livnot’s subsidized programs give participants opportunities to grapple with different questions and issues relating to Jewish history, philosophies and beliefs, all the while exploring their own place in the Jewish World. Livnot accepts participants aged 21 – 30 to join the open Livnot environment in which participants encounter an immersive Jewish community living experience. 

Livnot programs are not “religious” but rather present different aspects of Jewish ways of life and beliefs. The goal of the program is to allow each individual to acquire information and develop tools which allow them to delve into their Jewish heritage. 

Some recent quotes from Summer 2012:  

                   

“I highly recommend the Livnot program. I extended my birthright trip and stayed with Livnot in Safed just shy of two weeks which really allowed me time to reflect and spend time with others who wanted to take it all in and explore Israel/Judaism a little more in depth. The program was ridiculously inexpensive and all the hikes, activities, and especially Shabbat with both the staff and a local host family are 100% worth experience.”  Z.B.

“My Livnot experience was truly incredible and I feel so fortunate that I had the opportunity to attend!” J.E.

Posted on Jewlicious: “I’m here in Tzfat now with Livnot. For a post-Birthright program, or for a way to spend a month in Israel wisely, Livnot is definitely the way to go. Amazingly talented and dedicated staff, great people. We just got back from an overnight hike in the desert it was incredible.” S.K.

Meet Libby, my Chassidic Friend: an Interview

I'd like to introduce you to my new friend, Libby S.  Libby is a woman, a mother, and wife.  She belongs to the Vizhnitz group of Chassidus [Hasidism].  Libby has agreed to open her private life to all of you, in the hopes of helping me reach my goal on this blog: Jewish unity via mutual respect and education.  I am really grateful to her for this, and look forward to having you all learn from her life.


Please note that English is not Libby's first language.  Yiddish is her first language.  I have added some translations and clarifications in brackets.


I considered closing the comment section on this post, but after checking with Libby and asking some advice of fellow bloggers, chose to leave it open, with heavier moderation than usual.  I trust my readership with Libby's feelings and privacy, and she has made herself available to answer questions or comments.  


And.... here's Libby!

First, I want you to understand that before I go into the technical details of being Chassidish, you have to know what Chassidus [Hasidism] is, and what it is based on. Chassidus was founded by the Baal Shem Tov in the late 1700’s. The foundation of Chassidus is based on improving one’s middos [character traits] of the Eser Sfiros - the ten traits the world was created with.  These are Chochmah, Binah, Daas, Chesed, Gevurah, Tiferes, Netzach, Hod, Yesod, Malchus [wisdom, knowledge, insight, kindness, restraint, harmony, eternity, beauty, foundation, and nobility].

These are personalities within each human being that have to be toiled through to make a person’s neshoma [soul] pure and holy to reach the potential of his creation. These are based on Kabbalistic teachings from the Arizal [Rabbi Isaac Luria].

In Chassidus you will find that there is a Rebbe or spiritual leader that guides and teaches his chassidim [followers] how to attain the goals in tikkun hamaasim [perfection of deeds] that brings them to the heights of cultivating these middos discussed above. The Rebbe encourages and inspires the chassidim with teachings from the Torah, Talmud, Kabbalah and Shulchan Urach [Code of Jewish Law]; how to live a purposeful life and to get closer to Hashem [God] through mitzvos and maasim tovim [good deeds].

The Baal Shem Tov had 8 great disciples. These 8 talmidim [students] conveyed the teachings from the Baal Shem Tove in their own style to their chassidim. Therefore you have today many different styles of chassidim all striving to do the ratzon Hashem [will of God] through personal growth in the spirit of our great Chassidic elders. 

This was just an introduction so you understand a little bit of our lifestyle. Now you can appreciate the technical aspect of how we conduct our day-to-day lives. In reality we are all created equal. We all strive to raise happy children that are God-fearing Jews and create a nachas ruach for the Rebono Shel Olam [Master of the Universe] regardless of being chassidish or not.

PERSONAL INFO

OOTOB:  What is your name?

Libby:  Chaya Libby S.

OOTOB:  Where did you grow up?

Libby:  I was born and bred in Monsey, NY.

OOTOB:  How old are you?

Libby:  I will be 35 in August.

OOTOB:  Favorite food?

Libby:  I love food - my size shows it! Solid good food.  Any food!

OOTOB:  Do you have talents/hobbies?

Libby:  I am creative, adventurous, and carefree. I love to explore nature and history. I am musical. I sing. I write. I love to learn new things. I am entrepreneurial, owned my own business, and have a knack for marketing and business development.

OOTOB:  Where do you live?

Libby:  Monsey, NY.


FAMILY

OOTOB:  How many siblings do you have and where do you fit in?  Brothers/sisters?  How old?

Libby:  I am the oldest of a family of 9. I have 3 sisters and 5 brothers.  My youngest sibling is a sister and she is 13.

OOTOB:  What did your parents do for a living?

Libby:  My mother was always a stay-at-home mom and my father was a rebbe/menahel [day school rabbi/principal] in a yeshiva all his years (besides for a short stint as a factory manager for my grandfather’s business - he was supposed to take over the operations, but later opted out in favor of chinuch [Jewish education]).

OOTOB:  How many children do you have?  How old/boys or girls?  Would you like to have more?

Libby:  I have 8 children bli ayin hara [may there be no evil eye].  5 boys and 3 girls:  Miriam Bruchy, almost 16; Toivy, almost 14; Tzurty, 12; Moshe Chaim, 10; Gitty, 8; Yoseph Shia, almost 7; Yida Leib, 4;

Avrohom, 18 months.

Each child is a precious gift from above.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed and sometimes I take it a day at a time with a more carefree twist. I can say I have my moods about having more. Sometimes I feel all ready and for it, and sometimes I am very overwhelmed and panic to think of another pregnancy.  Now my feeling and well-being is that if Hashem wants to give me more children, I will gladly accept.

OOTOB:  What do you and your husband do for a living?

Libby:  I was in the administrator position in many different roles when my husband was in kollel [full-time paid Torah study program for married men]: yeshiva administrator, head counselor, school government programs administrator. Then, my husband went into the real estate industry by selling title insurance. When real estate tanked, I was determined to help my husband start his own business.

We set up a small business on the national level selling toiletries to the hotel industry and eventually doing business with Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. From conception to success we worked together beautifully. I was managing the marketing and operations, and my husband was managing the technical stuff and sales. Unfortunately we had an investor in the business that didn’t allow us to grow on the scale we wanted and because of many differences of approach, we sold out our shares. My husband had a hard time finding a good job in his field. For one year he remained unemployed (that’s a whole new topic) while I have a clerical job at Aish Jerusalem Fellowships.  Two weeks ago he was finally offered a great job in the real estate industry again. So B”H [thank God] he has a very good job now and that’s what we do for a living.

Most Chassidish women are stay-at-home moms and live a very simple life without much luxury or lavishness. They expect little for themselves and give their heart and soul to their family and spirituality.


MARRIAGE

OOTOB:  How old were you and your husband when you got married?

Libby:  I was 18 and my husband was 19.

OOTOB:  How were you set up and how did the dating work?

Libby:  We both are born and bred Monsey-ers. We actually grew up on the same block as young children. The families knew each other quite well. My mother-in-law gave cake-decorating classes. I took the course at the time that the shidduch [match] was redt [suggested].  For 3 weeks my parents did their research on the boy. When my parents believed that it was the right match I met my in-laws and then my future husband at our home. After talking for about an hour to my future husband I was hooked and ready to marry him. We were engaged the following night.

I know it sounds strange, but somehow, chassidisha girls depend a lot more on their parents’ expertise and they trust that their parents understand what is good for them and they leave the main decision up to the parents. The official meeting is to make sure the couple appeals to each other and there is what to love after marriage. We spoke again after the l’chaim and the vort [engagement celebrations] and we didn’t speak from after the vort until our wedding 11 months later.  In fact, just thinking about my chosson or seeing him through the cracks in shul, throughout my engagement, made my heart leap with joy and excitement.

I felt so privileged and so thankful for all the wonderful things we heard about him.  Hashem is mezaveg zevigim [brings couples together] and it is amazing how my husband is the best person I could have ever wished to marry.

OOTOB:  Can you describe what your wedding was like?

Libby:  A beautiful event with family and friends.

At first was the reception and badeken [custom where groom is danced in to veil his bride]. My chosson [groom], flanked by his father and my father, came to badek me very solemnly. Then we went outdoors to the chuppah. My mother and my mother-in-law led me to the chuppah. My head and hair were covered completely with an opaque veil. The chosson is mekadesh [sanctifies the bride] with the ring on the kallah’s [bride's] finger. The chosson’s Rosh Yeshiva [dean of his rabbinical school] officiated at the chuppah and the Rebbe [Grand Rabbi of the Vizhnitz sect] came to say the brachos [blessings]. 

After the kesubah [reading aloud of the ketubah] and  the brachos, the veil is removed from the kallah’s face  and the kallah and chosson  hold hands and together walk towards the yichud [private] room. In the yichud room nothing major happens besides for yichud [being alone together], my new sheitel [wig] is put on, and we eat the meal together and take some pictures.

Then there is the dancing, women and men separately. After bentching [Grace After Meals] is the mitzvah tantz [special kabbalistic wedding dance].  The kallah and women go into the men’s side and there is a badchan [rhyming, Torah-themed musical MC] calling up uncles, grandfathers, father-in-law, and father to come dance with the kallah with a gartel [traditional Chassidish belt]. The climax is when the kallah dances with her father holding hands (without the gartel). It’s a very emotional dance.  It signifies the girl leaving her father’s house and cleaving to her new husband. The epitome of the night is the chosson and kallah dance holding hands. Don’t forget that there isn’t much of a relationship yet between the two, but this dance physically brings them both together in a very beautiful and romantic way. This is the story of our wedding.

OOTOB:  How do you and your husband stay connected while raising a busy large family and with all the community obligations?

Libby:  It is tough.  We try to catch up on each other’s lives during meal times and Shabbos. Sometimes when we drive to a simcha [wedding/bar mitzvah] in the city it is our time to reconnect and discuss pressing issues.  In the four years we owned our business we would have daily meetings to discuss business and family issues. We also traveled together for shows and events which was a nice time to spend together without the hustle of our noisy life interfering.  We don’t just go away on vacation for many reasons including children, minyanim [the obligation of men to pray three times a day with a minyan], kosher, and [not wishing to overindulge in] materialism.

OOTOB:  How would you describe how you and your husband share work and parenting responsibilities?

Libby:  My husband helps with bathing and bedtimes. He does some grocery shopping and other errands. My husband learns with the boys every Shabbos and helps a lot on Fridays to manage the children’s chores and cook the cholent.

My husband also prepares the Shabbos table and may sometimes wash dishes and floors if necessary.  I take care of the cooking, baking, laundry and keeping the house in order. I also do the clothing shopping and most grocery shopping. My daughters also help a lot with keeping things tidy and helping with the little ones.

MOTHERHOOD

OOTOB:  What is your favorite part of being a mother?

Libby:  This is a hard question to answer. I don’t have any one favorite part. I am grateful that I am a mother. I try my best to be a good mother. I can’t say I am 100% successful all the time. It’s a continued challenge.

My children have amazing and unique personalities. None of them are the same. They each come with different challenges and success stories. I find that figuring each child out and helping them along on their own special ways is the most amazing part of being a mother. I can still use some help… Your services as parenting coach can come in handy….

OOTOB:  :)  If a chassidishe woman doesn't want to be a mother, is that OK?

Libby:  Most Chassidisha  girls want to be mothers.  I would assume that if someone doesn’t there is a valid emotional or mental reason why she would not want to have children. It is OK if she discusses it with a Rav [rabbi] or professional. It’s definitely not the norm.

OOTOB:  If a chassidishe woman doesn't want to have a lot of children, is that OK?

Libby:  If having many children interferes with her health, emotionally, physically and mentally it is mostly OK if she discusses it with her Rav.

OOTOB:  What does your community provide or what systems or services are in place to make it easier for the women to mother so many children?

Libby:  There are many services that assist the new mother. It almost makes me look forward to the next birth. First of all, the Mother-Baby Homes that are very popular in the tri-state area are a treat for a new mother. They are lavished with delicious gourmet meals, luxurious accommodations, and entertainment while socializing with other postpartum women and mainly, resting. Their newborns are cared for by top-notch nurses around the clock. Most mothers of large families go away for a week to one of these facilities and have the time of their lives to rest and to have fun.

I remember one of the Catholic nurses said that when she gives birth she will put on a snood [cloth head-covering, to impersonate a religious woman] and come here because there is nothing like this out there. There are also groups of women, usually classmates from school, that make each other hot lunches for a week postpartum.  There are also chessed [acts of kindness] volunteers that help out mothers of young children with homework, supper and some cleaning if they are overwhelmed.

But this is not just for Chassidish ladies.  All Orthodox women use these services.

DRESS

OOTOB:  How does your sect of Chassidism dress that is different from other Chassidic groups?  What is the significance of that?

Libby:  We don’t wear clingy clothing thatis revealing, or long and flowing to the floor.  We wear mid-calf length skirts and dresses, no  t-shirts, only collared and cuffed tops, or vests and jackets over long-sleeved shells. We wear opaque tights to cover fully our legs and feet.  Most of us wear beige pantyhose with a seam in the back to show that these are tights and not uncovered legs.

I was looking at some pictures of Queen Elizabeth at her Diamond Jubilee and couldn’t get enough of her dress code being so similar to the way we would dress. No wonder: she is a Bas Melech  [royalty]. We are Bnos Melochim [children of royalty] and we dress like royalty. Tasteful and discreet.  No flashy reds and never denim, yet trendy and cute as you describe it on your blog.  Make-up and fragrance we wear discreetly in very natural and subtle tones. The majority of us don’t wear any eye-makeup at all. Some do.

OOTOB:  How do the women cover their hair?  What is the significance?

Libby:  You may not be aware but we shave our hair completely. These are minhagim [customs] that are based on many reasons. Here are some reasons: 1) it is based in kabbalah  2) married women shouldn’t have even one uncovered hair 3) sheilos [questionable situations in Jewish law] that can arise when preparing for mikvah.

In the home, or casually, I wear a turban or a pre-tied bandanna on my head. When I am dressed I wear a synthetic sheitel with a scarf-hat to cover most of it. This is our tradition.

OOTOB:  Is it hard for you and your husband to follow these rules?  What's the hardest part?

Libby:  Not at all. We wouldn’t want it any other way. My husband appreciates when I look pleasant. I do make sure that my clothing and accessories are attractive to him, and to him only.  Privately for my husband, I will do my face completely with eye makeup and everything else, but I will never be seen like that in public, not even in front of my children.

I am by nature more conservative in taste so it really isn’t hard for me to dress conservatively.

The hard part is that we generally don’t drive. Sometimes women do get heterim [leniencies] to drive, but most women in my sect don’t drive. I find it very hard and I sometimes feel shackled that I have to depend on my husband or taxis for my transportation, but that is my mesiras nefesh [act of self-sacrifice for a higher cause].


LEAVING/ENTERING

OOTOB:  If a chassidic person wants to become non-chassidic, is that OK?

Libby:  If the reason for his becoming non-chassidic is for him to grow in Avodas Hashem [his relationship to God] then it is OK.  It only becomes not OK when someone is so confused and they don’t know right from wrong and go completely off the derech [leave the path of Jewish observance].

OOTOB:  If a non-chassidic person wants to become chassidic, is that OK?

Libby:  Same thing. Are they doing it to grow in yiddishkeit [Judaism]? Then it is accepted and welcomed. (My father is not from a Chassidic home. He is a gevorene Chossid!  [Chassidic newbie!]).


RANDOM

OOTOB:  Many people see in the news the degree to which Chassidic men and women wish to remain separate.  Can you explain why?

Libby:  First I want to say something about the media. The secular media in Israel has exploited the idealism of some zealots to categorize their way of life as a way of life for all chareidim [ultra-Orthodox]. Most of these stories were deliberately provocative toward chareidim to make a good news sensation.

Chassidisha girls are raised gender-separate. Besides for her brothers, father, grandfathers and uncles, a girl around the age of 10 and older doesn’t feel comfortable playing with boys or having any kind of relationship with boys or men. This is to safeguard her kedusha [holiness] and prevents her from transgressing serious sins in the future.  This has always been a chareidi thing, not just Chassidic.

You and I know the results of the breakdown of all moral values within the general population due to lack of tznius [modesty] and separation.

I also want to add to your feminism topics you write on your blog. Feminism, in my opinion, is for a woman to want to be, act and behave like a woman, not like a man.  Wanting to be equal to a man is masculine in my view.  Being discreet, modest and ladylike is a feminine thing. That is the beauty and feminism of a Chassidic women. She will not mingle with the men, or wish to express herself, or show her talent, equal to her male counterparts. 

OOTOB:  What is your favorite part of being Chassidish?

Libby:  The spirituality and simplicity are a warm combination.

OOTOB:  Which part would you change?

Libby:  With our rich heritage and tradition, Chassidic girls and women are not confident or proud enough. The general public looks at Chassidim with distrust and disdain from misunderstanding our way of life. If I would have the ability to pump more pride and confidence in the youth so they can stand up for themselves in the big world out there instead of shrinking back, I would change that. A little bit of assertiveness can help.

Although I am very chassidish, I am more open-minded and worldly than many chassidisha women.  Therefore, I took the courage to accept this interview invitation. Most people I know wouldn’t have agreed to answer your questions.

OOTOB:  I know. I really appreciate that, and I'm sure my readers do, too.


TECHNICALITIES

OOTOB:  Is it hard for people to make ends meet with such large families?

Libby:  It is a struggle.

OOTOB:  Does your community have any special services to help with the financial aspect?

Libby:  There are lots of organizations that help out the needy with food, money, clothing, and the like. Most people have their safety net of how they get by the month and don’t have to rely on hand-outs. For those that do, the services are there.

OOTOB:  What other ways do people manage with the financial burden? 

Libby:  Many Chassidic men and women are small business owners and bring home really decent earnings. For those that have simpler jobs, they may have support from their parents.  Others may have to rely on government assistance.

OOTOB:  At what age do the husbands work?

Libby:  When they are ready to join the workforce. Many men learn in kollel full-time a considerable number of years. When the situation makes it necessary for them to bring in a regular income, they will go find a job or take career training courses like computer programming, accounting, business management, special education, and other courses available for the frum [religious] community. These courses are gender-separate and are held in community centers as opposed to colleges.
 

OOTOB:  What kind of jobs do they get without the benefit of a college degree?

Libby:  Teachers, clergy, managers, warehouse and manufacturing, construction, accountants, business owners etc…

***

I’d like to end with something I was reading in the Hamodia [Orthodox newspaper] of last week. It is an analysis on the results of a UJA Federation study of 2011 that just came out. The study talks a lot about the explosive growth of the Orthodox community in the greater New York Area. While the UJA paints a bleak picture of the Ultra-Orthodox about their education systems, support of Israel, and poverty, Rabbi Aaron Twerski [a Orthodox rabbi] writes that “we must invite them to our communities so they can understand that we are not an other-worldly cult. The overwhelming majority of chareidim are engaged in commerce and work hard to support their families and the institutions that service them.”

Dr. Chaim Waxman suggested in his analysis “there might yet be place for common ground between the UJA and the Orthodox communities if we focus on problems that cut across religious identities.”

We must focus on the things that unite us, not what sets us apart. I found this interview to focus on what sets us apart. We Chassidic women and mothers face the same challenges as our non-hasidic counterparts on issues of raising children, education, making a living, giving to society, taking care of elderly parents, keeping house, continued education, supporting worthy causes, and building a great future for mankind.

[This was for me, Ruchi]: I would love to follow up with a phone conversation to clear away some of the stigmas attached to ultra-Orthodox or Chassidim. Please call me at [and here Libby gave me her phone number] evenings.

OOTOB:  Thank you so much, Libby, for your candor and willingness to open a door that will hopefully lead the way to more unity and more understanding.  I really am so grateful and enjoyed learning all about you.

Thanks, to my readership, for earning your trust with Libby's story.  I look forward to your questions, observations, and comments.

God: Up, Up, Down, Down

Through the baby monitor, I heard these words from my two-year-old daughter:

"Up, up, down, down...
up, down, up down..."

I knew immediately what she was singing!  Uncle Moishy's song about God [Hashem]:

Hashem is here, Hashem is there, Hashem is truly everywhere
Hashem is here, Hashem is there, Hashem is truly everywhere
Up, up, down, down
right, left, and all around
Here, there and everywhere 
That's where He can be found...

Apparently, she had been learning this ditty in her little day camp around the corner from my house.  I found this to be overwhelmingly heartwarming, and repeated her genius to everyone I know (hence, here).

Why?

Because I adore the fact that my very young child, who can barely put together a sentence, is absorbing in her young and fragile psyche ideas that I hold so dear.

That God is omniscient.

That He is omnipresent.

That He's personal.

I take God personally.   That means I believe He cares intensely about what I do, micromanages world details to accommodate and make possible the personal growth of me and others, employs a level of detail in the minutiae of my motivations and machinations, and it's all because He loves me.

Were you told that God loves you?  If you ever opened a prayer book to the Shema, it was right there, in the paragraph preceding it.  Tim Tebow opened this question to the world on a whole new level: does God live on a sports field?

Here, there and everywhere, that's where He can be found...

While hearing my child sing this song gives me intense comfort and peace, I acknowledge that there are those for whom it brings a stiffening of the neck. Was the Tebow debate about the detail of God's personal involvement? Was it the resistance of Jews to unabashed declarations of faith? Is that discomfort dependent on WHICH God we're talking about (well-nigh irrelevant: a Jew would never wear his God on his sleeve. Why?)?

How much longer can my little girl unabashedly sing "Hashem is here" without filtering?

Related posts:
I'm In a Relationship
The Beauty of Basherte

You Have the Right To Remain Wrong

A conversation from my recent post "Saturday Joggers":

Anonymous:  A few Shabbosim [Ed: Shabbats] ago I was thrown off when I passed a lady doing gardening work and wished her a "good morning" and she responded with an enthusiastic "Good Shabbos!"

[I thought, God,]...here is a woman who is gardening on Shabbos because she doesn't know any better and yet she is obviously so very proud to be Jewish and to let me know she is Jewish! How great are Your people!

Miriambyk:  As an O Jew with non-observant friends and family, I would like to suggest a modest reframe to Anonymous above. Can we learn to respect the possibility that the Jewish neighbor is gardening on Shabbat not because she "doesn't know better" but perhaps because to her tending to a garden is part of celebrating Gd's universe, changing her routine, or relaxing, and therefore a CHOICE of how to spend Shabbat? No, it is not halachic, but does it really diminish my halachic observance if I acknowledge someone else's right to choose to observe differently?

Me: Miriam, while I think that the percentage of Jewish gardeners/joggers on Shabbat who have made that calculation is quite tiny, I think you hit on something extraordinarily important that I think about all the time:

Does it really diminish my halachic observance if I acknowledge someone else's right to choose to observe differently?

This is the crux of this whole blog. Me acknowledging that everyone has free will to act and believe as they choose, even if I privately "believe" or "know" or whatever you want to call it (I choose to say believe because it's less confrontational) that it's not halachically correct, is not problematic. That's because God gave us all free will in the first place. It's built in to Torah philosophy.

Some people are scared that this smacks of pluralism. I disagree. Pluralism means there are many correct ways (or even all ways have validity). Free will means everyone has a right to do what I think is incorrect.

Anonymous [I believe the same original Anonymous]: Ruchi, how do you consider someone's actions to be "incorrect" and still not judge them? When I see someone whose actions are often incorrect, according to my assessment, I will either judge them or pity them. I'm thinking of people who parent poorly, are unethical, irresponsible, etc. So why would we not judge or pity someone who we thought was constantly doing wrong things on shabbos?

And I promised a post dedicated to just that.

Recently, a friend of mine posted the following question on Facebook:

"Poll: Can you/should you separate a person from his actions/beliefs?  For example, can you like and/or respect someone whose beliefs and/or actions you find abhorrent?  Not ILLEGAL, like a murderer, but, say, [someone] whose religious beliefs or lifestyle are radically different from yours?"

I was astonished at the question.  I do that all the time!  It's my breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I couldn't possibly interact with the world if I didn't, regularly, judge behaviors without judging humans.  One of the very clear values I was raised with was "knowing right from wrong."  I knew how to say that before I even understood what the words meant. 

I feel, strongly, that every person, and especially parents (and aren't we our own parents?) must regularly, consciously, and purposefully engage in judgment.  Before your tear your hair out and delete me from your feed, read on.

Judge values.  Judge ideologies.  Judge actions.  Judge character traits.  Judge behaviors.  Judge systems.

They're either admirable, deplorable, or somewhere on the spectrum.

But never, ever judge people.  Because they're either: making a mistake; never learned that value; have chosen something else, erroneously thinking it valid; are right and you're wrong; have come a long way unbeknownst to you; already regret it and are planning a redo; have an equally valid but foreign method of achieving an admirable goal; or you totally read the interaction wrong to begin with.

In Judaism, there is a mitzvah to do all this mental gymnastic gyration: "Give each person the benefit of the doubt."  

Observation: the less intensely a person is invested in their Judaism, the easier they find it not to judge those that are less observant.  But the harder they find it to judge right from wrong.  I say this not as a judgment (heh) but as a personal experience.  Very often, people ask me for advice on matters of right and wrong.  When I supply what I know from Torah wisdom, they are so grateful, and amazed that such clear demarcations exist.


And the more intensely a person is invested in their Judaism, the harder they find it not to judge those that are less observant, but the easier they find it to judge right from wrong.


(Other observation: the injunction to not judge humans applies equally to those more religious, and to those less religious.  But I speak here not solely of judgment in religious living, but in parenting, eating, health, emotional savviness, and interpersonal intelligence.)

Note: it doesn't say you must give every IDEOLOGY the benefit of the doubt.  

And that has made all the difference. 

So how do you know who's really right?  If there is, indeed, a right and wrong?  Fortunately, I don't worry about that.  Because I feel that in my life I have done my due diligence in examining the world to the best of my knowledge and trying to make the most educated and objective decisions as far as living my values.  If I'm wrong, I believe that God will understand and love me anyway, since I'm doing my personal best.  If I'm right and others are wrong, I believe God understands what their personal best is, in a way that they themselves aren't even aware of.  And where we're both right... we'll party together in the shared joy that we haven't lost our humanity in the struggle of figuring it out.    

Agree?  Disagree?  Impossible tightrope?  


Related posts:
Judgmental is Not a Religion, It's a Personality Defect 
Meet Me in Chapter Three
The Danger of Being Orthodox

5 Things I Want You To Know About Orthodoxy: a guest post

Hey blog readers,

Today I'm over at The Rebbetzin Rocks.  Regular readers know my friend Leah Caruso well from her always-thoughtful discussion and participation in many of our conversations here.  She's running "Orthodox week" on her blog, and has been kind enough to invite me over for tea.  And blogging.  So here they are... 5 of the many things I'd like you to know :)

Thanks Leah, for... well, you know.

JAPs, Jewish Mothers, and Epiphanies at Hallmark

Of course, I always knew what a JAP was.  She was tall, beautiful.  She lived in New York.  Maybe New Jersey.  She had a closet full of designer clothing and accessories that had always been casually purchased just this year.  Her parents redid her room, oh, every so breezy now and then with custom built-ins.  She knew what was in before anyone else did; in fact, it seemed that she created trend by virtue of oh-so-nonchalantly wearing it.

Here's what I didn't know: she had a nose job.  And maybe some other, er, "work."  She was bratty.  Hard to live with.  Uncaring of first-world problems, let alone any other kind.  She threw tantrums well past the age of two.

Here's what else I didn't know.  Her father was short and balding.  Nebbish.  Neurotic.  Attached to his mother.  Had a bizarre, schmalty sense of humor.  Couldn't say no to her if he tried.  Her mother?  More complicated than years of therapy could fix.  Overpowering.  Guilt-inducing.  Helicoptering to the most severe degree.  Had apron strings that made Alcatraz look chilled.  Embarrassingly loud and flamboyant.

See, I hadn't ever met these people.  No one ever told me they existed.  Until Hallmark.

My friends and I used to frequent the mall that was practically in my backyard pretty much each Sunday afternoon. With our hard-earned babysitting money, we'd shop or just browse.  At Hallmark, my young teen self came across an intriguing book: "The Big Book of Jewish Humor."  Or something like that.  I figured it would be full of plays-on-words with Hebrew or jokes about latkes.  Alas, I was about to meet My Big Fat Neurotic Jewish Family.

Jokes upon jokes that I didn't get about Jewish mothers, guilt, nebbish men, and JAPs.  I had no idea who these people were.  Were they my people?  Where did they live?  Where were they hiding?  How come everyone seemed to know about them besides me?

Was it about growing up Orthodox and pretty much shielded from much of the media?  Is there some kind of inversely proportional relationship between growing up amid rich spiritual Judaism and extensive education, and knowledge or identification with classic modern Jewish stereotypes?

My friend Dr. Samantha Baskind authored a fascinating piece on "The Fockerized Jew" - an analysis of the "coolness" of Jews in the media as a fairly recent occurrence, based on the offerings of Woody Allen, Barbara Streisand, Seinfeld, and most recently, the Fockers.  I read the extensive essay with fascination, not just because she is a brilliant writer, but because, well, I never knew Jews were uncool in the first place.

Woody Allen?  Classic Jew?  Are you kidding??

Did you identify with these Jewish stereotypes?  Did they align with real-world Jews you knew?

Saturday Joggers

Actual conversation:
Rabbi, I have a silly question.  So this weekend we were away for a friend's son's bar mitzvah, and Saturday morning I went out for a jog.
So there I am, in my shorts, and, well, you know, and my route takes me right past the local Orthodox synagogue, just as everyone's leaving.
And so on the one hand, I want to say "Good Shabbos," or "Shabbat Shalom," or whatever, but would that be weird, because obviously I'm like, jogging, and not, well, in shul... And I'm not dressed modestly so would that make people uncomfortable?  Or should I just say good morning?  I mean, how would that be viewed by the Orthodox?
Saturday joggers and Orthodox shul-goers: what say you?